BDSM vs Abuse – A Submissive Guide

BDSM vs Abuse – A Submissive Guide

 

The essential part of any BDSM relationships is consent. Abuse is not a consensual act. This article will define how to find out you entered into an Abuse sort of relationship, versus a BDSM one. Contrary of what we might think, it is not always easy to know where is the limit. In a BDSM relationship, do you have to go along with all the requests of your partner? Should you accept things you do not like?


Let’s define consensual Kink.

 

The core of any BDSM activity is consent: It is an experience everyone is on board with, happy on practicing, and having fun the entire time. Since kink involves role-play, power exchange, humiliation or pain – a consensual kink experience can look quite different from what we imagine.

 

Before each BDSM scene, partners shall express and agree to their likes, behaviors and desires. Respect each others limits by knowing them – before getting to any actions. You must define what do you want to get out of every session – both emotionally and physically.

Those negotiations can come in many forms, sometimes even writing a BDSM contract detailing what is allowed and what is forbidden. Sometimes, a checklist is enough to agree on the limit.

 

Also the use of a Safe word is important to agree upon, a safe word is when a partner wants to take a break or stop the scene right away. Word of signs can be used to define the signal.

 

BDSM is Safe, sane and consensual – This is what BDSM should be.

 

Safe means partners have taken precautions to limit any risks – physical or emotional. It also means, that parties involved are experienced on techniques and tools used during a session.

Sane means

Sane means that individuals involved are aware of the reality and can differentiate it from fantasy. There should not be unrealistic expectations and the play should be practice sober – away from any toxicants which can impair senses and behaviors.

Consensual means that all partiers have agreed and discussed the limits and boundaries of each others. Thus to say, if there is a change of mind, re-negotiation should take place.


How to know you that Kink turn into abuse?

 

First we need to understand the differences. Kink should always allow anyone to end it, give the opportunity to say no – Wishes that must be respected. If a Safe word is used and the partner continue the interaction, this is abuse. If the boundaries are ignored, this is abuse.

 

There is some point to note, for instant “SubSpace” – a mindset sub gets lost into during a scene – can be related to being high. In Subspace, submissive are less likely to make rational decisions about their own safety. Changing the terms of a scene agreed upon, during a stage of subspace, is a bad idea which can turn into abuse.

Here we illustrate the differences of cycles:

BDSM Play Scene Cycle

  • Communication: Partners should always talk about their boundaries and limits.

  • Agreement: Agree upon on what they would like out of the scene & respect each others desires & limits.

  • Scene/Play:When the words and promises transform into actions – when the BDSM scene takes place.

  • Aftercare:Some BDSM scene can be draining physically, emotionally and mentally. To “come down” from the scene, cuddling and relaxing together is essential to reconnect.

  • Debrief: Once partners are ready, they can sit down and discuss what went on during the scene. The aim is to improve all future interactions and make safe, sane and consensual play.

Abuse Cycle

  • Abuse:A form of violence which can be physical or verbal against another person.

  • Guilt:The abuser is worried on being caught and the potential consequences for him.

  • Excuses:The abuser will try to not take responsibilities by making excuse and rationalizing in any ways.

  • Honeymoon:The abuser will become the best partner to re-establish a relationship and keep the victim of negative thoughts.

  • Planning:The abuser is feeling a loss of control over the victim, he is planning ways to regain it.

  • Set-Up: The abuser waits for a time when his abuses can be justified./


BDSM VERSUS ABUSE

What is BDSM?

  • The use of bodily sensations to elicit pleasure.

  • Both participants are empowered in a form of consensual power exchange

  • Before starting anything, parties agree upon conditions

  • Seeing your partner creates excitement and arousal

  • The relationship is based on trust in which you can rely upon

  • In a safe environment, is designed to fulfill fantasies of both partners

  • Always open to communication and support for both sides

  • A scene must not take place when one of the partner is angry, emotionally instable or upset

  • Has rules, limits and boundaries with safe words.

What is abuse?

  • A way to cause harm to another person – can be physical, mental or emotional

  • Another person’s power is taken away

  • Nobody knows when it will happen – nothing has been agreed upon the act

  • Seeing your partner might create fear and be afraid of him

  • Destroys any form of trust – You live in an unpredictable state of mind

  • Cruel and violent treatment of another person

  • No support & no communication


  • Most of the time conducted when the abuser is emotionally unstable – angry or upset

  • Abuse is against the law. There is no rules or boundaries – no respect toward the victim.

BDSM is not Abuse. 


2 Responses

Annon
Annon

February 03, 2019

The pronoun should not be “Him,” you can use other forms to address the abuser i.e. they/their, abuser, him/her or he/she. This assures that no missunderstandings are made and we can avoid sexism within a blog. Thank you.

Amanda Brisbane
Amanda Brisbane

February 03, 2019

Yes- I hv just addressed the issue of non-consentualised be-littlement (by my Dom upon me) with him. It had got to the point where I was taking hits to my self-esteem. He has come back very conciliatory- but I will see if he remains this way. If the abuse creeps in again I will put a complete stop to our D/S relationship.

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