Being Sissy Vs Being Gay

In my college, I never had a girlfriend, but I never had a boyfriend too. But there was a small incident which, in retrospect, seems very interesting. One of my best friends got into a relationship with a girl, I was disturbed, and we had a fight. I could say I was heartbroken, but I am not sure. I even had a discussion on choosing between a girl and me sort of thing, but never did I think I was attracted to him sexually. In all honesty, though, it was a weird conversation when I think about it for the intensity it had. I also eventually fell in love with a girl, but it never worked out. 

I was then introduced to female domination and found that very exciting and humiliating at the same time, I never felt uncomfortable at the thought of being a sub to a strong female. I felt at home at the thought of being at the feet of a girl. I would not even expect sex, just being able to please a girl in any way excited me. I realised my true nature of being submissive and how being a sissy was linked. I realised that it was not a girl. It was Mistress that I craved. Her order, Her pleasure, Her joy, and being able to serve Her was my only purpose. But Alas! It was not the end of the process, I was learning more and more. But I was sure I was still not attracted to a man. 

I was starting to become more and more feminine, I was getting dressed fully as a girl. I was learning that if I dressed as a girl, I should act like one. If I act like one, I should have desires like one! That was when it started to get muddled. It was getting more complicated. I had begun to wonder what and how about my sexual orientation and desires. At this point I started to think about being a more dedicated sissy and having more uses for myself, not that I felt comfortable with the idea of being used by a MAN. I did start thinking like a girl. Does that make me gay? I don't know.

Initially, I started to have sex chat with guys, I used a couple of sites and apps like Kik to pretend myself as a girl. I would talk to numerous guys like I was a girl. It was interesting, and it was funny and definitely sexy. I did masturbate and had a very fulfilling chat where I was able to pretend I was a girl. It was liberating to see how easy it was in the virtual world to be a girl. It also made me realise that if I were pretending to be a girl, I would only get guys to chat with, and I had started to perfect my art of being a flirty little girl on the net. It took me a while to pretend and act like a girl in the chat, but I did it anyway. I was learning to appreciate the MAN, the cock, and being on my knees as I got more and more involved.

But having a chat in the virtual world and trying it in real life are two different things, isn’t it? So the next thing I did was to order a dildo for myself. Naughty girl! I wanted to find out how it felt actually to give a blowjob. Will it turn me on?

So when I inserted the big fat dildo in my mouth, the only thing that I felt was disgust. I was not turned on, but I kept trying until I was comfortable. I took it a little bit further, I registered on Chaturbate as my sissy self and started to go online; that is when I realised how many men would be interested in fucking me and having me please them. It turned me on. I watched them cum to my performance, and it was hot! I was hot! I could not imagine myself being desirable to guys. It was a revelation to me. However, I was not mostly turned on by the appearance of any guy but primarily by the size of their penis and how they treated me. I have still never been able to use the dildo in my ass and could not even fantasise about it.

I did try to meet guys in real life, but it did not materialise for some reason. I wanted to give it a try. Recently, when I see a guy bigger and taller than me, I imagine myself as a girl next to him, I think about how I would look next to him. Will he like me as the guys did on the video chat? Will I be able to please him?  Is that gay? I still don’t know. Is that as innocent and harmless as before? I don’t know.

One thing is sure. I am still not attracted to a man in my regular life and would like to have a girl next to me even if she dominates me, but when I am dressed as a girl, I prefer to have a guy next to me who could still dominate me. I would end up on my knees in both situations anyway, right? Gosh! I shared and wrote so much but did not give you an answer, did I? Well, I am assuming we sissies are wired differently than most! Let me know what your thoughts are, and share your journey with me.

Bye.