Why do people practice Dom/Sub relationships?

BDSM, also known as kink, is wide; it comprises many aspects, including D/s.  Other aspects include Sadomasochism and Bondage and Discipline. While some people are familiar with all aspects of BDSM, others have chosen to practice only few.  The biggest difference between D/s and SM is that the former involves more of power and less of physical sensation. However, do not be surprised if you see people use both terms interchangeably. 

As the name suggests, D/s is about domination.  The dominant party has a special power over the submissive party.  Most people practicing D/s naturally fancies the dynamism of power and are ready to explore it in a sexual way.  D/s is a blend of power and sex – a common occurrence in our culture. We have seen several fictions on romance where people are charmed by a more powerful partner or people wishing they have the power to appear dominantly desirable to their partner. 

What goes down in a Dom/sub relationship?

As mentioned above, it is all about infusing power play in the romantic aspects of the relationship. This may also extend to other parts.  One person must identify as a dominant and the other a sub. The assignment of roles doesn’t depend on gender, in fact, it is interchangeable depending on both parties.

Some people prefer to have a D/s association as a short-term experience, for instance, pre-conceived scenes. These scenes could involve sex or not, but exchange of power is always involved.  An instance is a scene where the submissive partner serves the dominant their favorite drink or massage them, while the dominant orders them around, restrain them, or unleash some other form of punishment.  Irrespective of the specifics, D/s associations involve power-based role-plays.  

Instead of short-term experience, others may prefer something longer or even permanent.  In such cases, both parties try to maintain their power balance, and all arrangements are such that one partner is constantly submissive and the other dominant.  Even at that, there is always a slight difference in the general lifestyle of such parties, compared to couples not practicing D/s. 

What is the difference between D/s and the conventional ‘vanilla’ relationship?

This is largely determined by the preference of the parties involved.  For some people, their D/s relationship is just like a vanilla relationship with the only difference being the extra powerplay that comes into play during sex.  For others, the D/s experience is extended to other aspects of their relationship. 

Unlike vanilla relationships where responsibilities are fixed and specific, D/s relationships allow flexibility, and the role sharing is more explicit, but not necessarily different.  The difference, subsequently, can be the level of communication. Most intending D/s pairs prioritize making the decisions jointly and before the start of the whole commitment. So, they take time to discuss every aspect of the relationship, making necessary clarifications as and when due.  Contracts and checklists are even used in some cases, to declare necessary limits, types of activities they are open to, and the parts of the relationship where the D/s elements will come in.

Misconceptions trail D/s relationships and here is why

BDSM, thus far, has enjoyed nothing but negative portrayal by the media. It is usually and strongly linked with abuse, danger, violence, criminality, and other outrageous outcomes. According to findings, BDSM practitioners enjoy similar quality of emotional well-being and upbringing. In fact, they do not have a higher chance or susceptibility to sex-related injuries or criminal tendencies than non-BDSM practitioners. 

The media is also more interested in the extreme instances of BDSM, including very heavy D/s arrangements or those that are constantly on, instead of focusing on the usual arrangements with a few elements of D/s.  This has contributed greatly to people’s misconceptions about D/s relationships. However, if the media had offered some decent experience about D/s to people, perhaps it would inform participants better of what to expect and how best to go about it.  D/s doesn’t have to be heavy or constant – there are arrangements involving only light bondage and love bites, as well as rare occasions of arranged scenes involving special toys.

Starting a D/s relationship

Th first step is communication.  Early communication with your partner about your interests in D/s relationship is a good way to start.  Rather than assume, take time to iron things out, making individual interests and expectations clear. 

For instance, how about creating a list of the sexual practices you both find convenient and willing to try out as part of your D/s relationship? This helps set boundary and make stances clear on issues, rather than leaving everything to chance.  Feel free to tell your partner when any action stops interesting you or when a new thing catches your fancy.  

Sharing sexual fantasies or favorite romantic images/stories also help. You may also discuss whether to incorporate them into your sex life. If yes, how do you incorporate them. Both parties will only get the best out of a D/s relationship if they both feel free in stating their preferences.  No party should be pressured or forced to give in to anything whatsoever. Both parties can leave out such areas where they feel they aren’t compatible. 

You can also explore BDSM websites and communities for some useful information on how to start or take your D/s relationship to the next level.  Also, try to be part of local fetish fairs and kink events, as well as workshops and demonstrations. BDSM Books can also help you, especially on how to communicate effectively on sex and special relationships like D/s and others. 

Is it possible to have a BDSM relationship outside a current vanilla relationship? And what are the effects of this on the vanilla relationship?

There is no definite answer to this.  What happens depend on the parties involved. We heard instances where couples stay open to such arrangements. These include, but not limited to monogamish couples, polyamory, swinging, open relationships, and ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ arrangements. 

The differences in sexual desires has pushed couples into opening up their relationship to one or both of them being sexual with an outsider.  While this is not a bad move, it is essential that both parties communicate clearly and maturely. The interests of both parties must be duly considered to ensure that everything goes well.  With effective communication and kindness, this is very much achievable.